Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
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[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
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Me: Same
Boating season is upon us.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.