I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
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making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
October already? What’s next? November????
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.