STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
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Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
The future is now.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
This made me smile…
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.