The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
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“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense