My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
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My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
If you had more money you’d be happier.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Oh no
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix