Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
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Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
HELP 😭
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.