*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
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Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4