“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
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*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.