Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
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You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”