There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
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“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Cake!!
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it