My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
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When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over