People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
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Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Me, reading some of your tweets
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
What?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?