Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
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GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Duolingo getting serious.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!