I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
You Might Also Like
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My background check bounced.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Me irl
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.