Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
that colleague who touches your screen
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.