It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
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What the hell happened here.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If you are reading this then you are reading this
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best