At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
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My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
When someone says you are so lazy
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.