NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
The French word for sex is croissant.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?