ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
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Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time