My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
#gardening
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.