HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
You Might Also Like
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?