[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
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(by @ZachWeiner )
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”