The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
WHY?!
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot