My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
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I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet