Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
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“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read