[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
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There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Usage Guidelines
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.