This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle