[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
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“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.