I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
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*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Well, this explains it:
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal