My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
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[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*