In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
You Might Also Like
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone