“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
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Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?