HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
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I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it