Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
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Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat