Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
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Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Employees must applaud the planets.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
My dryer is celebrating lint.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.