One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
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No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.