Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
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If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art