My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
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I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Chemical wingman
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
wishing you and yours all the best
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider