I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
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I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard