Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
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HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I feel seen
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
You had me at “define legal”.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot