Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
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Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Seals are just dog mermaids.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
You wish you had this many chins.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old