Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
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“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?