a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
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“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online