if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I’m so full I could puke a horse
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
called in thicc to work this morning