LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
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Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.