What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
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Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Bruh PLEASE
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.