I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
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[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.