Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
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“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.