What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
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Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —