In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
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When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again